So I wanted to get that last entry off my page, but I've rarely been on deviantART. Anyway, there's no point in staying bitter about things one has no control over, right? Sure.

NaNoWriMo is halfway over and I'm way behind, but I can do it... because I have to. I don't know why, but I just feel like if I can't, it will be a horrible sign. Though I liked what I wrote today and things are beginning to be more developed now, so hopefully it will go a bit smoother from here. I just have to
stop doing this

and
start doing this

In other news, I am totally stressed with my one online course, because I let myself get way behind on reading The Handmaid's Tale, which was well worth it's 368 pages. Luckily, Forrest is a really cool guy and has given us all more than our share of extensions. But an online course is harder in some ways (but easier in a lot of ways too) because the whole course is basically self-taught. The marks I have gotten back have all been 90% and over though, so hopefully it will stay that way and my next online course will go smoother. I'm really stressed over applying to schools. Don't think I'm one of those people who complains with a 90+ average though, because it hasn't happened for a long time. And it's still only one course, which I'm upgrading, not taking for the first time. It's so hard to focus. I thought I had ADD for a while; I took this test on WebMD, but when I talked to the doctor she said it was probably just some of the depression symptoms crossing over... that helps.

I'm really alone. I'm sure I've never felt so alone in my whole life. I think if it weren't for certain things holding me back, I would have a lot more confidence and maybe have more people in my life on a daily basis. I found out I have this physical condition, which I can't name here because just having had it all this time has been humiliation enough. I have to get blood tests tomorrow (well today) to rule out things that might be causing it, like ovarian cancer, which is very unlikely.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like Mary Henry, like I don't belong in the world. I want to love and be loved. I want so many simple things that billions of people are experiencing or have experienced. When I was younger I thought my teenage years would be a haven full of all these new and exciting experiences that most people consider rites of passage. I believed in sweet sixteen. But now I'm seventeen and I haven't gone through these so-called rites of passage. I didn't even experience senior prom. Yeah, that probably sounds so incredibly lame to a lot of people, especially to those who chose not to go. But it would have meant a lot to me. A lot of things would have meant a lot to me.